The Funky Green Gem
by Detouredbe
Summary: An indeterminate time after the events of "Catch and Release", Amethyst seizes a golden opportunity to torment Peridot.


**I've had the idea to compose this concept for a little while, but until seeing the latest _Steven Universe_ episode, "Catch and Release", yesterday, I couldn't think of a logical setting in which to situate it. Thankfully, that episode provides a perfect layout, so here it is. The plot of this oneshot is a parody of a scene from _The Nanny_ , and the characters used and mentioned were the ones I thought would best play out this sort of scene.**

From the moment Steven confided in Amethyst that he has introduced Peridot to the concept of sleep, this absolutely devilish idea has been on her mind. As hard as it was to do, however, she's forced herself to wait until now, when Steven has retired to bed, and Garnet and Pearl are both preoccupied elsewhere – doubtless they'd all waste no time in thwarting her little prank before she even came close to the good part; the older gems out of distrust as to what Peridot might do if provoked, and Steven out of his weird protectiveness for the green gem.

Slipping past the bathroom door isn't that difficult, actually, so long as it's done in a literal sense. A little morphing into the shape of a sheet of paper, and the rest pretty much speaks for itself. Offhandedly, she's a little sorry for Steven that he can't just do this whenever he requires the bathroom, instead being left to beseech Peridot to let him in. But, c'est la vie. What really gets to her is that this is the first time she thought of getting around this obstacle in such a way.

Inside, she finds Peridot acquainting herself with the art of snoozing, curled up in the sink. A giggle instinctively escapes her at the sheer beauty of the scenario, though she rights herself again just after. She can practically taste the unfolding of events she's about to play out.

Adjusting her body shape to a tall and brawny form, she proceeds to finger the sleeping gem's arm, ever so slightly. This results in the one touched frowning a bit in her slumber and tightening her fetal position improbably moreso. Amethyst repeats the gesture, this time lowering her voice by a couple octaves and murmuring in sing-song manner, "Oh, _Peridot_!"

"Mmmm... Jasper?" Peridot mumbles in response, completely still otherwise.

Amethyst can't laugh just yet. She can't. Not yet. She just has to wait. She can wait a moment.

"Course it's me," she hisses, wanting to sound believably like the one she's impersonating but also trying to evoke the mood she intends to inspire in Peridot. "Ya didn't think I was gonna leave you behind?"

The silly green gem's got a growing grin gracing her visage now. "No, no, Jasper, of course not! I always knew you'd come rescue me from the clutches of these clods!"

"Yes, yes, Peridot!" Amethyst is accompanying her seductive whispers and sensual strokes of the arm with a variety of comedic expressions entirely out of context, purely to pepper her own amusement. "Anything for you, yes!"

"Mmm, when did you become such a big lug, huh?"

"Oh, there are _many_ facets to my gem that I don't tell anyone about!" Seriously, this is getting better and better.

Peridot murmurs, "Oh, that's what I've always loved the most about you, Jasper. So big, powerful... _fiery_... _mysterious_... anybody ever tell you that?"

Priceless! Amethyst isn't going to be able to retain her laughter if this cheesy gush keeps up! Somehow she manages to compose herself enough to reply, "Only got ears for those words when they're from _your_ sweet, green lips." For good measure she adds as seductive a snarl as she can to the end of her words.

Giggling in her half-roused state, Peridot takes great presumption from this and says, "Fuse with me, Jasper! No one'll know if we do it right here!"

"Thought you'd never ask," Amethyst whispers, still in her Jasper impersonating voice, knowing full well how removed that is from anything the strongly anti-fusion gem would've said – that moment of double standard she exhibited with Lapis Lazuli disregarded for the time being. "There's just one thing I want you to do, first."

"...Oh? What?"

Leaning in close she whispers, mentally thanking Steven for also trying to teach this to Peridot, "Dance the funky chicken!"

Groggily, Peridot begins to stir a little more. Sitting up, she looks rightly confused as she asks, "The... funky chicken?"

"I find that dance super _hot_!" Amethyst growls, delighted with how authentic her vocal mimicry sounded there.

Yawning and smacking her lips – boy, when she gets into a new activity, she really gets into it – Peridot mumbles, "Okay, then."

Suppressing her urge to laugh has never been harder for Amethyst than it is right now, watching the sleep-laboured gem somewhat clumsily amble out of the sink, position herself on the floor and, after pondering the moves from this dance, commence exacting it. That she's clucking the tune like Steven showed her makes this struggle to hold out till the right moment into quite a worthwhile self-torture.

When she's certain it's finally time for the grand finale, Amethyst reaches for the light switch, withholding just a tad longer as she watches Peridot temporarily lose focus in response to the sudden onset of bright light in the room.

"Whoa – what!? Jasper!" She complains, ceasing the goofy dance and rubbing her eyes. The sound of hitherto forcibly suppressed laughter finally allowed to roam free catches her attention. She lowers her hands from her face to see a purple-skinned muscle-woman leaning against the door, howling with laughter.

"Wha – THWAAAGH!" The startled green gem staggers backwards into the bathtub. "YOU!"

Calming herself down for a moment, Amethyst converts her form back to its default. "Aw, man! That was totally priceless!" As her laughing fit begins to pick up where it left off, she attempts to mimic Peridot's performance, which only lasts about five seconds before completely dissolving in her laughter again.

With a far darker complexion than usual, Peridot glances around, wide-eyed, as if expecting an extra audience taking merriment in this, her latest humiliation. "I – I – I knew it was you all along! Do you seriously think I fell for that? I – I mean, how would Jasper even _know_ about the funky chicken? You didn't have me, even for one second!"

"Oh no – oh no! I _totally_ had you!" Lying on the floor, Amethyst is kicking her legs skyward, arms firmly embracing her abdomen. "Man, Peridot, you should've seen the look on your face!"

Growling, the embarrassed, angry green gem indignantly replies, "I'm warning you -"

Amethyst isn't listening though; she just drags her laughter-wrought body out the door, making a few jokes about Peridot having a thing for a certain orange gem with red stripes. Certainly if that keeps up, Peridot is going to eventually steam the bathroom up twice as severely as the shower does on 'hot'.

Peridot quickly smacks the door closed behind Amethyst. Locking it and not yet ready to consider how futile that obviously is, she can still hear the purple gem laughing her head off while staggering away, remarking, "Man, I can't even feel my chest!"

"GRRR!" Peridot stomps back over to the sink. Climbing up onto the counter, though with zero intention of repeating that explicitly vulnerable 'sleeping', she calls out, "And for the record, I know the look that was on my face! There _is_ a... mirror... thing right here!"

 **The End.**

 **AN: I won't strictly call that a shipping; those who do ship that pairing can, and for the rest it can just be interpreted as casual, secret lust on Peridot's part.**


End file.
